Last night, I looked through my senior year yearbook, reading what people wrote. The messages varied dramatically: profound, bland, seemingly insightful, definitely forced, passive, bored, inspired, flirty (!), heavy-handed, and in one case, illustrative (thanks Kevin). I did get an anagram of my name, describing how promiscuous I am (was).
I realized a few things. First, I am in contact with only a handful of the people who wrote in my yearbook. Yet, somehow most of us were aware of the fact that we weren't going to see each other again. Did we really know? Did we really believe it? I did, but only because I was going away from Mesa for college, and maybe that's why I got those kinds of comments in my yearbook.
Next, reading through these comments made me wonder what I wrote in others' yearbooks. Mostly, I'm afraid of what I might have written, that it did not truly reflect how I felt about that person, that I was more concerned with what they were going to write about me that I did not truly focus on how great they are. I can recall at least two yearbook messages of which I am deeply ashamed. As far as that goes, I have to remind myself that I was a desperate love fool, only eighteen years old, and I took advantage of having the last word. Thankfully, I haven't seen either of those people since then, and I don't expect that, once I do, they will remember my awkward messages. Or perhaps they will remember, have a quick laugh, and move on. Anyway, I can't live in fear of any of that, it won't do any good.
I mentioned the varying levels of quality of the messages, and I don't want to spend too much time in case some of those authors are wondering if I'm referring to their message. Don't worry; even if I am, anything I say is unfair judgment on a number of levels. You should properly ignore me and move along.
Some messages were direct and revealed truths that, like my awkward messages, would not have come out in any other way but in this final message of all messages. One girl thanked me for reminding her (through my intense crush on her, though this was not stated directly) that she was valuable after she endured a rough breakup. That had actually occurred more than a year ago, but there's no way we would have ever discussed it. In fact, we didn't discuss it--she left it as a final goodbye, something she wanted out in the nether, but not something to converse over.
I'm pretty sure whatever I wrote in her yearbook was not as insightful, and if it was, it probably is a message I don't want to remember. Let's put the total to three awkward, regrettable messages (and counting).
Another guy wrote a lot of "final message" truths, but I expected to see him on a regular basis after. His motivation was not to say things he was too embarrassed to say if we were to see each other again. Rather, he wanted those awkward truths memoralized for years to come as a testimony to his state of mind at the time. I got a couple of those, that I recall. I don't think I did as good a job as they did, but I wish I had, if only so they knew how much I appreciated them.
Another guy, anticipating future contact, wrote nothing of substance. In fact, he shaped his paragraph into a penis. Perhaps that was a more telling truth than anything else he could have written.
Some girls wrote quasi-flirty messages. I have to imagine they did that because it's fun, not because they meant it. One may have meant it. Several decidedly did not. The most promising flirty message was given to me by a complete stranger, not in my yearbook, but in a note I found buried in a box of junk. She meant it. I followed up. I failed miserably. I'm really glad I didn't follow up on others.
One guy wrote a message that made me laugh out loud nearly eleven years after the fact. And it wouldn't make sense to anyone else, or at least, it wouldn't make them laugh.
A couple of folks I barely knew wrote very nice things about me. I wish I had taken the time to get to know them better, because I'm sure they were very nice people who deserved such nice things written in return.
Some folks I knew a little bit better didn't have much to say. One in particular was quite morbid, especially regarding our chances of seeing each other again.
I guess that's all the insight I have. In any event, reading through these messages made me wonder what I wrote to others, and it gave me the idea for a silly Facebook status trend (the annoying ones that go around like "post a memory of us LOL", etc.) (yeah, I'm going to be one of THOSE.). So, I'm going to post that in my status and see what happens.
I'm sure I'll regret it. But here I go anyway.
I realized a few things. First, I am in contact with only a handful of the people who wrote in my yearbook. Yet, somehow most of us were aware of the fact that we weren't going to see each other again. Did we really know? Did we really believe it? I did, but only because I was going away from Mesa for college, and maybe that's why I got those kinds of comments in my yearbook.
Next, reading through these comments made me wonder what I wrote in others' yearbooks. Mostly, I'm afraid of what I might have written, that it did not truly reflect how I felt about that person, that I was more concerned with what they were going to write about me that I did not truly focus on how great they are. I can recall at least two yearbook messages of which I am deeply ashamed. As far as that goes, I have to remind myself that I was a desperate love fool, only eighteen years old, and I took advantage of having the last word. Thankfully, I haven't seen either of those people since then, and I don't expect that, once I do, they will remember my awkward messages. Or perhaps they will remember, have a quick laugh, and move on. Anyway, I can't live in fear of any of that, it won't do any good.
I mentioned the varying levels of quality of the messages, and I don't want to spend too much time in case some of those authors are wondering if I'm referring to their message. Don't worry; even if I am, anything I say is unfair judgment on a number of levels. You should properly ignore me and move along.
Some messages were direct and revealed truths that, like my awkward messages, would not have come out in any other way but in this final message of all messages. One girl thanked me for reminding her (through my intense crush on her, though this was not stated directly) that she was valuable after she endured a rough breakup. That had actually occurred more than a year ago, but there's no way we would have ever discussed it. In fact, we didn't discuss it--she left it as a final goodbye, something she wanted out in the nether, but not something to converse over.
I'm pretty sure whatever I wrote in her yearbook was not as insightful, and if it was, it probably is a message I don't want to remember. Let's put the total to three awkward, regrettable messages (and counting).
Another guy wrote a lot of "final message" truths, but I expected to see him on a regular basis after. His motivation was not to say things he was too embarrassed to say if we were to see each other again. Rather, he wanted those awkward truths memoralized for years to come as a testimony to his state of mind at the time. I got a couple of those, that I recall. I don't think I did as good a job as they did, but I wish I had, if only so they knew how much I appreciated them.
Another guy, anticipating future contact, wrote nothing of substance. In fact, he shaped his paragraph into a penis. Perhaps that was a more telling truth than anything else he could have written.
Some girls wrote quasi-flirty messages. I have to imagine they did that because it's fun, not because they meant it. One may have meant it. Several decidedly did not. The most promising flirty message was given to me by a complete stranger, not in my yearbook, but in a note I found buried in a box of junk. She meant it. I followed up. I failed miserably. I'm really glad I didn't follow up on others.
One guy wrote a message that made me laugh out loud nearly eleven years after the fact. And it wouldn't make sense to anyone else, or at least, it wouldn't make them laugh.
A couple of folks I barely knew wrote very nice things about me. I wish I had taken the time to get to know them better, because I'm sure they were very nice people who deserved such nice things written in return.
Some folks I knew a little bit better didn't have much to say. One in particular was quite morbid, especially regarding our chances of seeing each other again.
I guess that's all the insight I have. In any event, reading through these messages made me wonder what I wrote to others, and it gave me the idea for a silly Facebook status trend (the annoying ones that go around like "post a memory of us LOL", etc.) (yeah, I'm going to be one of THOSE.). So, I'm going to post that in my status and see what happens.
I'm sure I'll regret it. But here I go anyway.
